On Monday, I spent an hour talking to a very dear friend of mine who is still in the midst of his ‘coming out’ crisis. While I’m naturally not going to share his details (that’s private, personal and confidential), the conversation did get me thinking about my own experience which I am at liberty to share. At one point in our conversation, I even started crying … more tears of joy (no, wrong word) … tears of relief and release than sadness.
Those tears will be my starting point. Why? Because they recalled the memory of coming out and the empowerment it provides. More than anything I’ve ever done in my life, telling my folks (and sister) I was gay was the most difficult. And so, when it’s finally out, you feel this total sense of – I dunno – rebirth (corny word I know but it is apt). You finally admit a truth you’ve held hidden and in doing so, you truly feel reborn. It is a powerful, emotional and life-changing experience.
And that point, about it being powerful, emotional and life-changing also acknowledges how important it is for you to be ready to do it. I suspect not being ready and doing it could result in some costly psychologist’s bills.
So, point one: don’t do it until you’re ready, period. And don’t let anyone tell you different on that point.
So, how do you know you’re ready?…. believe me, you’ll know. There was, for me, what I can only describe as ‘a build up sense’. The secret had been kept in so long that I simply could not keep it in any longer. I was deeply depressed and unhappy. I was very short in my verbal interactions with my parents and sister (to the point of being mean) and actively tried to avoid communicating with them which then only led to guilt. Regret, tinged with guilt, dogged me everyday. Regret I couldn’t be who I was. Regret I couldn’t openly like/love who I really wanted to. Regret, that in avoiding who I was, meant I squandered some opportunities in my life and career through fear.
And so, the bubble burst. It burst first off with Tennis Star Suzie when she emailed me referencing a possible female liaison she could arrange for me. I emailed back thanking her (and cc-ing my closest group of friends – Gracie; WestJet Sue, T, and Deb Does Dallas) saying I appreciated the set-up but I was gay and that if anyone knew of a guy who was single and sane, I’d be game.
So, point two: tell your closest, closest friends first. They will frankly i) know already; ii) not particularly care or make an issue of it; iii) only want the best for you; and iv) perhaps most importantly, act as supports when you do tell your family.
And so, telling the folks. I had wanted to do this in person, naturally. But I truly (looking back at it all now) was in a precarious mental health state and needed to break the news as fast as humanly possibly. Geographic challenges were working against me however. My folks were down at our Florida home at the time and my sister was in London. So Ma Bell acted as our link via conference call. Imagine! hehe
I spent two sleepless nights writing and re-writing what I wanted to say. I still have that epistle on a floppy disc but I password-protected it and can’t for the life of me remember it (otherwise I’d put it up too). I remember parts of what I conveyed (paraphrased here):
- I’m gay;
- being gay has nothing to do with you; it’s not your fault; it’s nothing you did or didn’t do; it’s not something your fed me or forgot to feed me … I was born this way and for as long as I can remember I have liked guys;
- I’ve tried girls sure, and I appreciate good looking girls, and they’re fine and all but they are not what get me going sexually;
- I will not hide anymore and if our family or friends ask about my relationships I’m going to tell them;
- whether or not you want to tell them is up to you (as a side note here; coming out is strange in this aspect as it puts the coming out ball onto your parents court);
- I will answer whatever general questions you may have about sex but I will not get into specifics;
- when down the road I find someone I truly love, I will bring him home and I will expect you accept them into our family as you would anyone; and,
- there are support groups in Toronto (PFLAG) available to help you.
So, point three: if you have the chance, write out what you want to say. In the moment you do it, you are in quite a place emotionally and having the paper is a godsend.
And with that I made the call. The call is a bit of a blur now. It was years ago but I remember my sister saying something like: ‘You got us on line for this?…. I’ve always known it’. My folks were great, supportive and loving. My mom saying, ‘Well, we’ve always wondered but it doesn’t matter, as long as you’re happy. That’s all we want.’
Thanks mom!
Whatever sadness or regret they may have felt (our family name will go to the grave with me) they shared privately between themselves. But that has always been their way.
Other things I can say: give them time. You’ve had a lifetime dealing with, thinking about, struggling with being gay. Once you spring it on your family, you simply cannot expect the next time you meet everything will be hunky-dory. When we finally did meet face-to-face after I told them it was awkward for sure. The white elephant that had wandered our home for years was gone and replaced with a smaller white goat. My sister was great at breaking this strangeness by constantly asking me while we watched tv “So, do you like him? … What about him?” … It was funny, which proves the old adage, laughter is good medicine for broken hearts and awkward situations.
Being gay represents the tip of my right index finger. It’s just one piece of this bigger construct called “Brent”. And yet for all those years I thought it was the only part of me. That’s what burying it does. Burying it kills everything else about you. You lose all perspective.
I cannot imagine what would have happened had I remained in that dark, horrible place we call ‘the closet’. Why and how a person could live a lifetime in it is beyond me. It drains life, dignity, hope from you, killing you bit by bit. Coming out is scary, yes. But my gawd, the light on the other side is life-altering.
Today, I am so grateful. Grateful for my family and friends. Grateful for G. Grateful that my friends, family and work colleagues all know this particular aspect of me and don’t opt to use it as a definer of the person I am.
I am simply “Brent” not “gay Brent”.
Wednesday’s special moment: Running with only shorts & a t-shirt
Today’s special moment is brought to you by Toronto’s weather, which my Forecastfox extension tells me is mostly sunny and 17°C. Sweet! Eprops to the weather! For the first time this year I actually did my run this afternoon with only shorts and a tshirt! OMG, you’ve gotta love that … spring, here I come!
Wednesday’s special moment: Running with only shorts & a t-shirt
Today’s special moment is brought to you by Toronto’s weather, which my Forecastfox extension tells me is mostly sunny and 17°C. Sweet! Eprops to the weather! For the first time this year I actually did my run this afternoon with only shorts and a tshirt! OMG, you’ve gotta love that … spring, here I come!
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